When we become strangers

You were unsure which pain is worse… The shock [at] what happened or the ache for what never will

It started with the weekends… You know very well that we only have the weekends to do things we like. We dig gastronomic adventures and aimless wanderings. It was fun doing things with you because you were never afraid of failing, of getting disappointed or getting dirty…We no longer go out as much as we used to.

The morning “Hi”s and “Hello”s used to be like stars dotting the night sky with conversations just about anything under the universe. We’ve talked about your dreams, your fantasies…your political and social stands and so much more. You were so passionate of all the things to suddenly become uninterested. Responses, if any became minimal and clipped. You can even stand a day…no, a week or two without having a word with me…you became distant and far.

We were strangers when we first met. You were the spark that rekindled the fire I’ve long put out. Your spark burned and has become my warmth and light for a new beginning. I could not believe I was blazing! I did not realize I have that much fuel to burn like a bonfire. Then truth crept into the vines…Your indifference started to water down my fire. Your silence blew the remaining flicker until I was left cold and burnt. My light faded as fast as your spark ignited it.

We’ve drifted apart… I’ve seen your fleeting image as you inch away. I was left aching for something I don’t know. Am I hurting because I was left alone wondering? Is this pain gravitating to the fact that things never happened like I would have dreamed of?… Or simply because I never expected the fallout this soon? All I know is that I am hurting… bleeding… cold… We were back to square one… when we were strangers.

Feature: Agbalala Beach, Brgy. Wawa, Abra de Ilog


One day I will meet someone who will not look at me as their maybe


It was not a secret. It was a silent understanding of what we have…I am your maybe.

Somehow you were an open book. You gave me access to your vault of emotional roller coaster rides and I appreciate you trusting me in spite of the short time we have known each other. I realized how broken you were but I am not here to fix you. If there’s someone who can do the job best, that’s you. I wouldn’t even try. I respect your space, your need to mend at your own pace just as I did mine.

I do not regret the times we shared and the dreams we built under the starry nights. You were such a dreamer, a visionary with much enthusiasm and creativity. It was a joy to listen to your visions and at the same time I felt the pain for your sorrows and frustrations.

I will not stop saying “Thank you” for staying, for choosing to be there at some turning points of my life. Thank you for breaking my walls and lighting my burnt hope. You gave me a new perspective…a reason to give love another look, another chance.

Now here I am looking out of the window as the rain nourishes the earth…watching my outpouring reflect in the gloomy sky. I realized how deeply I have clamped on the idea that as you heal, you would start seeing me as something more than just your maybe. It is sad to come to a point where the universe has found a way to make me swallow that bitter pill – that I will forever be short of being yours.

Don’t push something that’s not there.

Don’t waste your time on something deep down you know will never happen.

You’re better than that.

In a funny twist of the tricks played by the Uni-verse, I was made to open the Pandora’s box. Whatever came out sank the dagger of truth so deep it broke my heart.I drowned in my own pool of tears as my heart was squeezed and hammered. My heart was butchered, burned and eaten by the truth. The reality that became clear as crystal – I am not even your maybe…I am but a temporary fill for the gaping hole he left in your heart…

In spite of the hurting and the silent tears, deep down I am thankful to you for walking into my life, for breaking my walls and building hope. I have no regrets opening my door and welcoming you in my arms. I won’t wait though. I will not wait for you to decide about becoming anything more than a maybe… Just like tossing a coin – while it is in the air we already know what we are hoping for.

One day I will meet someone who will not look at me as their maybe…I will be a choice, an everyday choice. I will not chase happiness like a dog would chase his tail. I will not crave for empty hugs but be comfortable in the warmth of an embrace. I know I am worth more than an option…worth more than someone’s maybe.

I pray that you are able to endure the wait. He will come along and take you back. I know that hope has never left your heart. Every beat is an echo of your undying longing for him…if he comes back, please take care of yourself and your heart because I may not be there to mend it…

Yes we are broken…but we both deserve to be happy.